And now for your bedtime story.
The Cat in the Hat, by Dr. Seuss.
Excuse me, why is it called The Cat in the Hat?
Because it wouldn't have the same ring to it if it was The Cat in the Vest.
Very interesting.
Now let's begin our story.
The sun did not shine.
Excuse me, how come the sun didn't shine?
Because it was raining.
Very, very interesting.
It was too wet to play.
So we sat in the house All that cold, cold wet day.
Excuse me, what day of the week was it?
Excuse me, I just figured out your little plan.
You were asking me questions after every sentence...
...so I'll be reading you this story for the next two hours...
...and you will never go to sleep.
You're pretty smart, Michelle.
You're pretty smart too.
Check this out, boys. Daddy's cookies.
Have a little whiff, there you go.
Times like this I bet you wish you guys had teeth, huh?
Come on, you guys wanna swing? Let's swing. Here we go.
[BABY WHIMPERING]
- Hey, Jess. JESSE: Hi, Danny.
- Cookies, I'll get the milk. - Hi, my boys. Hi. Hi, sweetie.
BECKY: Oh, look at that, gingerbread men.
Oh, not just gingerbread men. I have a whole gingerbread family.
See, you got your gingerbread Rebecca. Isn't she a fox? Have mercy.
Your gingerbread Danny. Notice the resemblance there.
JESSE: Nose and the whole--
[BECKY LAUGHING]
And, of course, your gingerbread Joey. There you go.
Why am I bald?
Sorry, Joey, I used the last bit of frosting on my hair.
- You better get a record deal real soon. - Yeah.
[MICROWAVE DINGS]
Well, in the meantime, I may have a job for you.
I need a song to introduce cartoons on The Ranger Joe Show.
I need something snappy.
[IN CARTOON VOICE] Would you do it? Would you do it?
Would you? Would you? Would you?
Joey, I don't do snappy.
You get a royalty every time they play your song.
- Call me Mr. Snappy. - Hi.
DANNY: How's it going? STEPH: Good.
- Gingerbread cookies. DANNY: How was school?
STEPH: I have big, big news. JOEY: Milk coming your way.
BECKY: Michelle, look at this. - I have big news, people.
Michelle, wait. I don't want you to spoil your dinner, honey.
[WHISTLES]
Thank you.
As I was saying, I have big, big news.
I'm talking large, I'm talking huge...
...I'm talking massively gigundo.
You're talking too much. What is it?
You are looking at the spelling-bee champion...
...of Mr. Lowry's fourth grade class.
- Steph, that's wonderful. - Congratulations.
Honey, could you get down? You're getting the seat cushion dirty.
Wait, there's more news.
This Friday, I'm in the finals for best speller in the fourth grade.
That's terrific, Steph.
If you make best in school, you go on to the city...
...and then the state, and then you could become the national champion.
We could all meet the president.
Dad, calm down. I'm never gonna beat Davey Chu.
He's the smartest kid in school.
They call him the human dictionary.
Whoa, I don't wanna hear that kind of negative attitude.
If you wanna be a winner, you gotta think like a winner.
That's right. Listen up, human dictionary...
...Stephanie Tanner is gonna tear you vowel from vowel...
...and eat your consonants for lunch. Grr!
You're right.
Davey Chu, prepare to be pulverized.
P-U-L-V-E-R-I-Z-E-D. Pulverized. Grr!
- Very good. - Steph, you're gonna do great.
- You've been reading since you were 4. - Hey, I'm 5.
How come I can't read?
Not everyone starts to read at the same age.
I'm sure you'll read very soon.
I wanna read right now.
Michelle, where are you going with my paper?
To the bathroom. That's where Joey reads.
Gentlemen, may I present...
...the Ranger Joe cartoon theme song in C major.
Jesse Katsopolis, composer.
[SINGING] Giddyup, giddyup
Giddyup and go
Here's another great cartoon From Ranger Joe
Yee-haw!
- What'd you think? - Totally wrong.
What? Totally wrong? What--?
What was the guns and the thing and the spinning?
Jess, it just doesn't have that childlike quality I'm looking for.
Childlike? Joseph, kids loved it. Look at these kids.
I mean, look at their faces, they're elated.
I need something a little more cartoony, something like:
[SINGING] It's time for another cartoon
I'll tell you what, I'll lend you a videotape of my favorite cartoons.
In no time at all, you'll be...
[IN DAFFY DUCK VOICE] ...a cartoon aficionado.
Thanks. I'm so excited.
Hello, my beautiful daughter Michelle.
We're gonna use this superduper letter board to help you to learn to read.
I know how to read. Watch.
The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play.
Actually, sweetheart...
...what you were reading on that page there says:
"Copyright 1957."
How come you never read that part?
Michelle, I think it's wonderful that you wanna learn to read books...
...but you can't just memorize what I read to you every night.
Why not?
Because it'll start to catch up with you around college.
Let's start off by learning the sound of each letter, okay?
- Like A is for-- - Apple.
That's right.
But I have a system that is gonna make learning to read even more fun.
Okay? This is Daddy's special system.
A is for Ajax.
B is for Brillo.
C, Clorox.
It's gone! Gone, gone, gone!
- What's gone? - My brain.
The spelling bee's tomorrow, and I can't remember how to spell "success."
How many C's and how many S's? And where the heck do they go?
Steph, get a grip. You're a winner, remember?
All you need is a mnemonic device.
What the heck is that?
It must be for cleaning.
No, a mnemonic device is a little trick I have to help you remember.
Like take the word "success." What you do is double the C...
...double the S and you will always have success, got it?
Double the C, double the S.
- S-U-C-C-E-S-S. Success. - That's right.
If you're having any trouble with words, a mnemonic device will help you.
Davey Chu's gonna wish he never learned the alphabet.
I can spell "alphabet."
[SINGS "THE ALPHABET SONG"]
Well, the word "alphabet" is in there someplace.
Okay, sweetheart, ready? D is for Drano.
Here comes Stephanie. Doesn't she look smart?
Of course she does. Intelligence runs in our family.
It must have skipped a generation. You left the lens cap on.
Boy, that trophy's gonna look nice in my bedroom.
Only if I let you borrow it.
You're going down, Chu.
And it's all thanks to two little words: mnemonic device.
Dream on, Tanner.
They don't call me the human dictionary because I'm good at kickball.
Good afternoon, parents, students and friends.
Welcome to the fourth-grade spelling championship.
Now I'd like to introduce the top spellers in the fourth grade.
Frannie Weisberg.
Randy Gaines.
Davey Chu.
And our first speller, Stephanie Tanner.
- Yeah! All right, Steph! - Go get them, Steph!
Stephanie, your first word is "mnemonic."
Mnemonic.
- Would you repeat the word, please? - The word is "mnemonic."
And a very fine word it is.
Uh, mnemonic.
A device or trick to help you remember things. Mnemonic.
Stephanie, this is not a definition bee.
I need the spelling.
Spelling? Oh, I'll give you spelling. Rhododendron.
R-H-O-D-O-D-E-N-D-R-O-N. Rhododendron.
You have 10 seconds to spell "mnemonic."
Mnemonic.
N-E-M-O-N-I-C. Mnemonic.
- Yes! - Yeah! Great, honey.
Uh, I'm afraid that's incorrect, Stephanie.
TEACHER: The next speller is Davey Chu.
Mnemonic. M-N-E-M-O-N-I-C. Mnemonic.
Correct.
Now, that eliminates Stephanie Tanner. Thank you, Stephanie.
What? That's it?
I did all that studying for one lousy word?
Come on, have a heart. Give me a do-over.
JESSE: Do-over. - Do-over.
Do-over.
Please, can I have another chance? Any other word. Any other word.
I'm sorry, Stephanie. You can take your seat with the class, sweetheart.
All right.
Okay, our next speller is Randy Gaines.
Randy, your first word is "incandescent."
Incandescent. I-N-C-A-N-D-E-S-C-E-N-T.
Stephanie, sweetheart, you've already been eliminated.
Eliminated. E-L-I-M-I-N-A-T-E-D. Eliminated.
D.J., D.J., come here!
Michelle, what is it?
Look. I can read your name, "D.J."
Michelle, that's very good. Do you wanna try something a little harder?
Sure.
I heard this was good.
Let's hold off on The Hobbit.
Have a seat.
Let's start with this word.
- Now, do you know what this says? - That's my name. "Michelle."
But do you know why it says "Michelle"?
I have no idea.
Well, let's start with the M. Do you know what sound that makes?
Like Mop & Glo.
I see you've been studying with Dad.
Now for the I. Do you know what sound that makes?
Piece of cake. I is like "eye."
Well, not exactly. That "eye" starts with an E.
It sounds like an I, but it isn't.
But the I in your name doesn't sound like the "eye" that starts with the E.
It sounds like I as in "it."
If you say so.
You see, Michelle, vowels have long sounds and short sounds.
And if the vowel is long it says its own name.
A, E, I, O, U.
If the vowel is short, it has a different sound.
"Ah," "eh," "ih," "ah," and "a."
Huh?
Right, just like "huh."
However, a short vowel can be changed into a long vowel...
...if the word has a silent E, like the word "date."
If you take off that E the word becomes "dat."
But that's a really bad example because "dat" is not a real word.
I'm never gonna learn how to read.
I guess I didn't help much, did I?
Duh.
"Mnemonic" has a silent M?
Who ever heard of a silent M? Silent K, yeah, maybe. But silent M--
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Steph, hold it right there. We have to talk about this.
Is Stephanie home? She forgot her ribbon.
Steph, would you look at that? Davey brought you your ribbon.
Hot dog.
Mind if I put this trophy down? It's really heavy.
That trophy would be mine if they didn't give me the one word I didn't know.
Davey, what Steph means to say is congratulations.
What I mean is I can outspell him any time.
Come on, Chu. Right here, right now.
If you beat me again, I'll carry your lunch tray for a week.
- Books too? - Books too.
- And buy me ice cream? - Don't push it.
Okay, you're on.
You sure you wanna do this? This guy knew how to spell "ecclesiastical."
Ecclesiastical. E-C-C-L-E-S-I-A-S-T-I-C-A-L.
Ecclesiastical.
All right. Let the games begin. I'll get the dictionary.
- Hey, Jess. - Hey.
How's my theme song? Did you come up with anything like:
[SINGING] It's time for another cartoon
Joseph, I've spent a couple hours watching your favorite cartoons...
...and came up with a very important conclusion.
You're a sick man.
But I did come up with a perfect song.
I programmed sound effects in this, and I think you're gonna love it.
- Listen to this. Goes like this. - Great. Okay, all right.
[SINGING] Oh, look out
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Duck
[DUCK QUACKS]
Crash and ka-boom
[CRASHING]
Here comes another Ranger Joe cartoon
[EXPLOSION]
ROAD RUNNER'S VOICE [ON RECORDING]: Beep, beep!
Huh? Huh?
Now, now, now, Jess, I wanna say this nicely. I hate it.
Hate, what? Hate is such a strong word.
What do you--? What do you want? Something stupid like:
[SINGING] Here comes another cartoon
[BOING SOUNDS]
- That's it. - What's it?
That note, that "boing," whatever you hit. That's perfect.
Jess, you are a musical genius. That's my theme song.
What are you talking about? That's the stupid song you've been singing.
I didn't write that, you wrote that. You gonna pay me for that?
You're right.
I did write that.
Hey, thanks for trying.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! Wait a minute! What about my:
[BOING SOUNDS]
Huh, Joseph? Didn't that just--? You owe me, Gladstone.
Without that... you got nothing!
B-E-N-I-G-N. Benign.
That's correct.
Okay, Steph, it's your word.
- "Trigonometry." - Trigonometry.
T-R-I-G-O-N-O-M-E-T-R-Y. Trigonometry.
Yes! That's my girl.
I mean, correct.
Okay, Davey, spell "photosynthesis."
Hey, Michelle, how's your reading coming?
I quit. I'm too dumb to read.
Hey, now, that kind of talk stops right here, young lady.
Come here, I wanna talk to you.
Now...
...if anyone knows about being dumb, it's your Uncle Jesse.
Hey, let me go back and rephrase that.
See, when I was in first grade there were two kind of reading groups.
There were the Bluebirds and the Robins.
And I was a Robin and everyone knew the Robins were kind of slow readers...
...so I thought that meant I was dumb.
So instead of spending my time trying to learn to read...
...I spent all my time beating up the Bluebirds.
- So you're dumb like me? - No, I wasn't dumb.
That's the point I'm trying to make. I thought I was dumb so I gave up trying.
I mean, I got bad grades for a long time and then I realized that I'm a smart guy.
I won't let the same thing happen to you, because you're a smart girl.
Oh, please.
Oh, please, yourself.
Now, to start reading, all you have to learn is one really cool word, okay?
And I'm gonna teach it to you right now.
You ready?
Here is the word.
Okay, now, in this word, the A sounds like "ah."
Here we go again.
You just stick with your Uncle J, okay? The A sounds like "ah."
And the T sounds like what? What sound does the T make?
"Tuh."
That's right, "tuh."
Okay, now put them together and what do you get?
"Ah-tuh." "Ah-tuh." "Ah-tuh."
- At. - That's it. At. You just read "at."
I did?
Yeah, you did. It's great. Now, what sound does the letter C make?
"Ca," like Clorox.
I see your dad's been teaching you. All right. Now, here we go.
"Ca" and "at," put them together, what do you get?
"Ca-at."
- Faster. - "Ca-at."
Cat. I read "cat."
She just read another word, ladies and gentlemen.
This chick is on fire. Reading high-fives. Can you dig it?
I knew that you could. All right.
Let's try another one. The ever-popular H. Okay?
What does that say?
"Ha-at."
- Hat. - All right.
I did it again. I'm unbelievable.
Yes!
I'm so proud of you. That's terrific.
We'll just read a little each day and before you know it...
...you're gonna be reading a book, I promise.
- Which book? - Well, here-- Hey, this is the perfect one.
Now, watch. Now, when I point to a word, you say it, okay?
- "The..." - "Cat."
- "In the..." - "Hat."
Right on, sister.
What are you--? You can't tickle me!
E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y. Epiphany.
That's correct.
Stephanie, I'm sorry, I gotta go home for dinner.
Hey, if you quit, you forfeit, Chumeister. Dad, next word, please.
This is gonna be the last word, all right?
"Sarsaparilla."
Sarsaparilla.
S-A-S-P-A-R-I-L-L-A. Sarsaparilla.
I'm sorry, Steph.
Why?
Because it's sarsaparilla.
S-A-R-S-A-P-A-R-I-L-L-A.
Sarsaparilla.
Man, that's right.
You are the human dictionary, aren't you?
Now there's a silent R? I hate this language.
- Steph. - I gotta go home for dinner.
Well, Mr. Tanner, I must say it's been quite a delectation.
Yeah, certainly has.
"Delectation." Better not be a putdown.
Steph?
I'm really disappointed in you.
I know. You said I was a winner, but let's face it, I'm a loser.
I'm not disappointed in you because you lost.
I'm disappointed because of the way you lost.
- Honey, you were a sore loser. - That's because I hate losing.
Nobody likes to lose. But everybody loses sometimes.
You did your best, tried your hardest, and Davey beat you fair and square.
Why didn't you congratulate him?
Because I was mad.
Were you mad at him for winning or mad at yourself for losing?
- Do I have to answer that? - Yeah.
I guess I was mad at myself.
I just wanted to be the best.
You are. You're the best speller in your class.
You might even be the best speller in this house.
- Dad. - Okay, you are...
...the best speller in this house.
Sweetheart, you have to be proud of your accomplishments.
But no matter how good you are at something...
...there always may be a Davey Chu out there...
...who might be just a little bit better than you are.
It's just as important to be a good loser as it is to be a good winner, honey.
You're right. I'm sorry, Dad.
I can't wait till I lose again so I can show you how good I am at it.
Now you're talking like a winner. Come here.
Aww.